I spent the day getting us all set up in Jades room. Decorating for Christmas was such a joy. Jaycee loved the pretty little tree we got that fit perfectly on the table by the window. The room was small but we made it homey. The day was perfect. We were just so happy to have got to the hospital were they would be monitoring the babes 24 hours a day. Knowing that if there was a problem now they could take the babies out within ten minutes and use advanced medical technology to help these precious little babies to survive. We don't want the babies born this early because of all the potential problems micro preemies can have but it is so much better than the alternative.
The nurses had been in all day relocating the monitors to find both babies. They had to use the ultra sound machine a lot. The doctor had come in several times to help. No one was surprised by this we had been warned that at 24 weeks the babies were still small which allows them to move uninhibited. This was all expected. Monitoring is very hard until about 28 weeks when the babies get to big to move about as much. When shift change happened the new nurse was really struggling with the monitors and called the doctor to come help with the ultrasound machine. The doctor we had all day was in a delivery so another doc came in. He was struggling with what he was seeing. We had several friends show up. The crowed little room was too loud so we all decided to go get something to eat to give them some quiet time. Jade called me after about ten minutes begging me to come back this doctor was NOT finding a heart beat on one of the babies. My heart sank what do you mean no heart beat? We saw both several times. We heard both. I know they were having a hard time but this was normal at this stage. What is going on? I am so confused. I am so scared. NO THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING WE HAD MADE IT!!!!!
I race back to the room to be by my daughters side. How could I have left her. She had to hear this new all by herself. When I get back to the room it is explained to me that they believe the heart beat we had seen and heard all day had been baby As only, that baby B looked to all ready have fluid swelling all around her. She had been gone for several days. But all of this had to be confirmed with a formal ultrasound on a high resolution machine not the little one that was rolled in to be at the bedside. OMG we did not beat the odds. All this faith I have had is washed away with just a few little words.
So several hours later another doctor comes into give us the official news our precious little baby B is gone. She now has little angel wings and has been called to heaven to rest in Jesus's arms. Oh God why? I do not understand. I am so sad. I am so scared. How is my daughters fragile emotions going to handle this? Are we now going to have to get our poor little baby A out so early. OH this is to early so much can go wrong with a baby born at 24 weeks. Why hasn't Jades actual Peri came in yet? We want to talk to her team!! I am how ever really impressed with the doctor that comes in. She is so good at explain everything to Jade. We are just not understanding that they are going to leave the babies in. When we met with one of the Peri's last week we were told this wasn't an option. Now don't get me wrong we are okay with leaving little baby Jemma in to grow. We just don't understand the contradiction. The other thing that is confusing through out the whole weekend is the nurses and doctor making it sound like this is a normal singleton pregnancy now. Jade was told that she could probably carry to 40 weeks and have a regular delivery. I know none of this is correct I have done my research this is still a MoMo pregnancy there are still two cords wrapped and knotted that puts the surviving baby at risk of death. I told them we have already lost one of them and WE WILL NOT BE LEAVING. I tell the doctors this. I tell the nurses this. Please stop giving my daughter information that you are assuming to be correct. We will be getting the new plan from her Peri when she comes in.
All kinds of emotions crash through me but I have to remain strong for my daughter. A few times I break only to pull myself together as quickly as it occurs. The only time I can cry is when I go out to have a smoke break. Jade is really struggling with having to have poor baby Jewel remain in uterine for the remainder of the pregnancy. A baby that is lifeless floating around the surviving twin. Monique and I are really trying to help her deal with her pain. Finally she seems to get it. Not that it isn't hard it just begins to make sense. Jemma needs to stay in to grow stronger. All this has meaning we still have little Jemma doing so well. We all have to be strong and push forward for Jemma. Our hearts are broken and we are grieving for the little baby that became a special angel to watch over her twin sister. But we can still do this, we will still do this.
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